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Okay, that's it. It's a week today since the final and we can't drag it out any more! In case you missed it, here's a recap of Simon's winning moment.
Still, there's only nine months till the next series. And, just in case you're missing your daily fix of reality tv comment there's another series going on right now called Big Brother. Maybe you've heard of it?
Rory is a moron, he wouldn't work for Sir Alan even if he asked him, GlobalCool is cool, Shabnam with the freaky eyes is hot, the Treites are on the march, and why are people more interested in Big Brother than Madeleine McCann?
I really wonder how long Tre will carry on doing these. Two months? Six?
Well I knew it had been difficult but I didn't know it had been that Kristina's life had been such a crazy tale of sex and violence. And she still went to the ball. But we all know what happened then, don't we, with Prince Charmless coming through in the end.
Still, ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
Here's a good interview with Kristina and Simon for Radio Five Live.
So they shot two endings. And they were only told which of them won afterwards, after filming. Presumably just a few days ago.
They talk a lot about Katie, don't they? I bet she'll be the one everyone remembers in a year's time, which is, I imagine, exactly how she likes it.
Clearly, Sir Alan saw something that I didn't. But then he would have, wouldn't he? Remember, our two finalists have been working for him for six months. It's not just the "conceptual ideas" (!? ) they came up with for the South Bank, but those six months beforehand that swung it.
Also, it was clear after the tv presenting fiasco that Sir Alan had already decided that Simon had a certain something, otherwise he'd never have got through that disaster. On the plus side, Simon is younger than Kristina, is more energetic, is funny, optimistic, and full of ideas. He would be fun to have around an office. He is also mouldable, whereas Kristina is more of the finished product.
It depends what you're looking for, of course. Or rather, what Sir Alan is looking for.
But I still think Simon made some glaring errors last night. He picked Tre, who promptly took over. Then, the next day there was a coup led by, of all people, Rory. Simon just capitulated. He had no input at all into the design of the building, and had all his plans hijacked by somebody kicked out in week two.
However, Simon's presentation was more confident than Kristina's. She did look tense, and talking about "regenerating" the South Bank was a bit absurd. But she led her team, rather than was led by them. You could easily leave her to get a job done and be pretty sure she'd do it. Simon would need someone looking over his shoulder, constantly monitoring him to make sure he hadn't gone off the deep end.
Yet the yellow-sock-wearing, hair-straightener-using public schoolboy won over the gritty, reliable, if ever so-slightly serious single Mum from the University of Life.
I wonder at what stage Sir Alan really decided that Simon was the one. Did Kristina really get much of a look in? After all, considering last week's mess, I think it's safe to assume that he actually thought Katie was a better candidate than Kristina.
Now that would have been an interesting final.
I'm flabbergasted. Shock and amazed. How did that happen?
I need a lie down. Sure, Simon has energy, and over the series had some good ideas, but overall Kristina was always ahead, and even on tonight's showing alone she should have won.
Her management skills were far superior. Even the building was better.
Still, Sir Alan wouldn't have let Simon into the final if he hadn't seen something. But for me, Kristina, Katie, Naomi and Tre were all better.
More tomorrow, when I've calmed down.
Am I wrong?
"Oh, oh, we're half way there".
And it looks like Simon is the one who's got it all to do. A divided team, with he and his boy Tre doing most of the running.
Team Kristina are holding up well, with Adam even making good with the Phoenix angle. On the other hand, the architect didn't think it was a great idea visually. Bit too much of the Nazi chic about it, which probably wouldn't go down too well with Sir Alan.
Still, at this stage it looks like Kristina who's in the box seat.
Nice to see the rest of them back, though, no? But where are Katie, Ghazal, Ifti, Sophie and Gerri? Andy, of course. we know what he's doing. Either he's playing poker, or he really did work till he bled.
Right, back to part two.
Our Katie isn't going quietly.
Not that you'd ever expect her to, would you? Hot on the heals of her exclusive interview with us, and even hotter on the heals of her being fired by the Met Office, the "Superbitch" has been dissing our two finalists, Kristina and Simon.
"I feel we have been left with a mediocre final with mediocre finalists. It's a real pity that the final wasn't Tre and me".
Which from a strictly entertainment point of view must be true. I don't know how much of tonight is going to be live, but I think even Katie would be a bit too busy and surrounded by people to badmouth Tre behind his back in the style we know and love. I don't suppose Tre would be swearing too much, either.
Anyway, we do at least get to see all the former contestants tonight, working for the duo as their apprentices.
"Kristina is a great sales person but that doesn't make her a great Apprentice. She's a manager, she'll never be a leader".
Continues Katie, which is true enough. But she doesn't have to be a leader. It's called the Apprentice, not the Boss.
"Simon is mediocre because he is scatterbrained. He's all over the place. He's not sure what he wants. He's good at remembering things, he's got a photographic memory, but what he isn't is an Apprentice."
Now that is true. Which is why I don't think he'll win. On the other hand Sir Alan rates him, letting him through in that famous week where he got rid of Naomi. So Sir Alan thinks he's got something. But has he got enough? Stay tuned tonight for a half-time review, 9.30ish where I'll be giving some Alan Hansen-style instant reaction, and then another report afterwards, ten o'clockish, when the winner is revealed.
Exciting, isn't it?
It's the big one. The final countdown. The winner takes it all. No time for losers.
Kristina versus Simon, King Kong versus Godzilla, Alien versus Predator.
But is the Apprentice a good thing? The Times has wheeled out a pair of its big guns: James Harding says it's only showbiz, not real biz, and Magnus Linklater defends Sir Alan against accusations of sexism.
Whatever.
This is television, folks, and not real life. In a year's time will the winner still be working for Sir Alan? I don't imagine too many people even care.
I'm still backing Kristina, but you never know, do you? And how will he do it? In the quiet of the boardroom, surely.
They do things differently in the States. This is how Donald Trump hired and fired the final two in this year's final. Imagine having to go through all this in front of a crowd. Maybe it makes it easier.
Katie's been fired. Again.
Michelle Dewberry appears to be the only person in Britain who thinks Simon should win.
Tre is still angry about his firing. He also, you won't be too surprised to learn, sticks up for Emily off Big Brother.
Did you watch it like I told you? I thought it was pretty good, even though it was largely a rehash of stuff we'd seen before. Still, it was good to get a reminder of just how gushing Katie could be. After the interviews' show I'd pretty much decided that she was one of those women who despises other women: hence her disdain for stay-at-home Mums and the like. But I'd forgotten just how obsequious she could be, not just to men, when the job required it. Her attitude to that photographer woman - "Please, let me into your world" - was wondrous to behold.
I still can't quite get over the firing of Naomi. I still think she'd be better, more employable than Simon. As Tre says, in this typically forthright interview:
"I think the show’s credibility would go down the pan if Simon won it".
Interesting that he says he didn't particularly want the job. Of course, that could be hindsight talking, but the fact that it isn't a real job does make some sense. In this respect maybe his thinking was a lot closer Katie. It is after all, only a gameshow. And that that final scene with Katie was indeed heavily edited, in case we hadn't guessed.
Talking of Katie, here's her meeting a very quick-witted ordinary person. Watch her refuse to say whether she's won or not.
The camera girl's crack about Mavis is very sharp. You don't think this was staged too, do you?
Apparently mentioning child care during a job interview is illegal. I wonder if anything will come of this?
Here's a fairly revealing interview with Lohit. As the interviewer says:
"Lohit can talk for ten minutes at a time without pausing. There's no doubt that he's extremely articulate and knows how to present himself, but I'm beginning to understand how frustrated Sir Alan felt when he said that Lohit "just spews out a load of talk."
There's another spin-off show on Sunday night at 9.30 on BBC2 called "The Apprentice: Why I Fired Them". I wonder if we'll get to see any extra footage.
Tim Campbell's weekly review for the Sun seems to have disappeared. But you can catch up with him in this short little film.
Hey, I was right! Simon versus Kristina! For once in my life I make a reality tv prediction and I get it right. So, sing it from the rooftops. But it was a close call, wasn't it, with Our Katie walking out, undefeated. She never lost, but did it for the sake of her family. Not a dry eye in the house, eh?
Actually, it did look a little staged, didn't it? We know so much footage is shot, and we know the whole boardroom thing could have taken hours. Who know what happened? Did Sir Alan actually fire one of the others, and then she quit? It's impossible to tell, but watching this stuff, and knowing what goes on makes cynics of us all. Or me, anyway.
And, for all her claims about doing it for her parents and children, I'm inclined to agree with this chap. Did she ever really want to work for Sir Alan, anyway? I think that Michele Mone woman on the You're Fired show got it completely wrong. Okay, Katie may be an untrustworthy superbitch, but she was playing up to the camera. Acid-tongued people on reality tv often come across badly. A one-liner that people make every day suddenly gets remembered, written down, and held against the sayer long after he/she has said it. Do you think Katie even remembers saying half the stuff she's being damned for?
Still, rightly or wrongly, Sir Alan ended up with the best two candidates. Tre failed at the finish, with all his global businessman baloney. And he, just like Katie, hadn't done any homework on the man he wanted to work for. Why? He does know how to use a computer, doesn't he? And Lohit? I kept wondering how he'd got so far.
So, Simon versus Kristina. I wonder who Sir Alan would have kicked out, had Katie stayed. I wonder if we'll ever find out.
Tonight's the famous triple-firing. Like I've said before it makes no sense to me. Why not have another two episodes instead? I'm not bored yet. Quite the oppposite, the tension's getting tighter week by week, and my sympathies shift in the same way. Should Tre win, is there more to Katie than her sizeable mouth? Does Kristina really lack a creative spark?
I want more time with them not less.
But we are where we are. Trying to figure out who are the final two is further complicated by the widely-discussed foreknowledge that one of the final two actually turns Sir Alan down, on the grounds that he/she never really wanted the job, and was only doing it for the publicity. Said person has a child, and thinks the whole think would disrupt his/her family. Consequently, Sir Alan has to give one of the rejects a second chance.
Is this true? Or it is it just a wicked rumour? And if it is true, who could it be? Neither Lohit nor Simon have children, so that rules them out. Could it be Kristina? I'd be surprised, she looks to me as hungry as hell to win this. Tre? Maybe. It would explain some of his playing to camera, and seeming indifference to a task when it starts to go wrong. What about Katie? She's the one with the current highest paid job, so financially she has the least to gain. It would also explain her constant pantomine-style badmouthing of the others. She can do it, because she doesn't really care.
Or is the whole thing a fake, a story just to make people like me give the show yet more publicity? I guess, by ten o'clock, we will finally know.
Anyway, I'm sticking with Simon and Kristina being the final two. And in the mean time, here's a commercial for The Apprentice, Arab style. Watch carefully as the show was never made. They just don't know what they're missing.
More thoughts from Tre. This week he defends his team on last week's task, hints that Simon has made the final two, sings the praises of business ethics, discusses the controversial charms of the all-female Big Brother House, and reveals his intention to build a society of Tre-ites. Where do I sign?
Did you watch it like I told you? I thought it was quite revealing, though all the good stuff came up first. Like I didn't realise how bright and how driven Simon was. And how much both Tre and Kristina had suffered over the years, and consequently, how driven they were. As for Lohit, well we were rather left with the impression that he's certainly for the chop on Wednesday having never really made much of an impression, and Our Katie has been deemed a bit of an actress. Of course, we know that the programme was put togther with the result of Wednesday's show already done and dusted, so we had to be left enough teasers to think we know who will be evicted then, without it being thrust down our throats.
But reading between the lines it looks to me that Lohit, clearly, and Katie, probably, will be gone. I reckon we'll be left with Tre and Kristina, though there is also the Simon enigma. Sir Alan went to a lot of effort to keep him in over Naomi last week. It seems strange to do all that, only to evict him one week later. On the other hand, only two can stay. Anyway, if you missed it there's a repeat tonight on BBC2 after Newsnight.
Last Wednesday's edition also gets a repeat, on BBC2 tomorrow. But if you can't catch that, here's a rejigged version of the boardroom scene.
Low impact too.
I think I could spend my whole life laughing at Simon. Libby Purves, over at the Times, thinks this is because We is old. The attraction of the show is for us oldsters to giggle at the folly of youth:
"In a society that worships and mimics youth, and fears its dominance in new technology, music, fashion and telly, this is a sweet fantasy for the past-it generation".
Speak for yourself, grandma. I just like laughing at people, young or old. They could stick a camera in the editor's office at the Times and I'm sure we'd all have a right laugh at them too. In any case Kristina and Katie aren't exactly a pair of 18 year olds like Samanda, are they?
BTW: There is a special programme on Sunday night, BB2 at nine, Beyond the Boardroom. Maybe we'll finally get to see all that behind the scene footage of Katie and Paul canoodling in the moonlight.
And bye-bye-bye to... Naomi?
How did that happen? And it wasn't just me, neither. All of the panel on the post-game show and at least 80 % of the audience thought it should have been Simon. Hey, even Simon thought it should have been Simon. Even Tre thought it should have been Simon.
It should have been Simon.
This, though, is a marathon, not a sprint, and over the 26 miles Naomi never shone enough. There were no big highs, no spectacular lows, whereas Simon did win a few tasks almost on his own. And if they'd only sold a couple more wheelchairs...
But really, where did he get that brainwave from? I kind of agreed with the basic idea that they should concentrate on a few big-selling items. But a wheelchair?
"Are we going for the diabled market with this?" asked Tre, with just a hint of sarcasm. Yet he and Naomi, in spite of their reservations, gave it a damn good go. No thanks again to Simon, who adopted a rather hands-off approach when it came to giving direction. The silent treatment is not something they teach in film school. Again, it was Tre and Naomi who picked the trampoline, which was not such a bad idea given that it did at least suit Simon's boyishness. But again it was he who blew it, with his crazy screwing each foot into its hole ( innuendoes are difficult to avoid with this one, you know ). And then unscrewing them again. Why?
Really, when these three went into the boardroom I thought Naomi was the least likely suspect. Anyone who can go on television and say with a straight face that "My Granddad would be absolutely thrilled to have this" about a wheelchair deserves some sort of prize, but she it was who went. It's a cruel world. And a very funny one too.
As for the Kristina, Lohit, and Katie, well Our Katie shone like the diamond I'm sure deep down she is, schmoozing the big-breasted Mavis while doing the presenting, whereas Lohit just sat there like a lemon. In the light of Sir Alan's attitude to Naomi I worry about Lohit. If Naomi was a sleeper, Lohit's been positively catatonic. I certainly can't see him surving next week three-in-one cull.
But how did Kristina manage to sell three of those dirt-emitting brooms? Must be her sweet smile. Okay? Okay? Okay?
Nice to know that Sir Alan swears at the television just like the rest of us. Makes him look almost human.
Which to watch? You decide.
Here's somebody with his own thoughts on the subject. Among other things.
Nice to know that he's trying "so hard to be politically correct". I wonder what he'd be like if he weren't.
Katie isn't referring to herself, then. We know she's got quite a busy life, and as for her boobs, well I'll take her word for it.
The crucial story here, however, is that one of the candidates goes tomorrow, and THREE go next week. Three? That should make for a busy half hour with Adrian Chiles, anyway. It also means we still get two in the final. So it's all going to be a bit like the Big Brother finals night, where six of the usually more interesting people - or at least, people with the most BB experiences - are interviewed in a frenetic tide, with barely a moment for us to recover. And now the Apprentice is following the same tack. Do we really want to see Tre, Katie and Simon - for example, all culled in the same show?
Katie, after all, deserves more than ten minutes with Adrian. If Andy Jackson can have a half hour, after we've only known him for an hour, how come she - or one of the others - gets a third of that, having watched her for eleven weeks running?
Really, Katie should have a whole 26 part documentary series about her. Shown, perhaps, on one of the XXX channels.
"This new information represents another warning that climate change is happening around the world," said Met Office scientist Katie Hopkins.
And what new information might that be? That Our Katie has been having a steamy affair with her married boss? The shame of it. I reckon she's left a carbon footprint the size of Kent with her goings-on.
But is this the sort of news we need to know? Yes it is, says Times TV critic Tim Teeman:
"The house, according to the end credits, now has its own “producer”. That poor devil is clearly straining at the leash, encumbered with thousands of hours of red-hot footage. I would settle for who makes the best omelette, then maybe some pass-the-remote grizzling – and then the full-on, after hours, lights out horrors. Please let prurience and salaciousness win out over Reithian principles and we get to see more action and bed-hopping (and wine-swilling, seemingly by the gallon) in future series".
I think I know what he means. The contestants all share a house for how long - twelve weeks, maybe - and there must be loads of stuff we could be watching via the red button. If the BBC could do it for Castaway, why couldn't they do it for the Apprentice? It's one of the great mysteries of the show for me: how do they get on when they're not doing a task? We get rumours of affairs, Katie accuses Adam of drinking a bit too much wine, Simon describes Tre as "my boy". But there isn't enough, is there? And when I say the whole thing goes on for twelve weeks I'm only guessing. Do they really have one task that will last a maximum of two days, and a boardroom summing up that lasts another? What happens the other four days? Or do they do three tasks a week and the whole show is shot inside a month? Questions, questions.
Okay, I've given it a lot of thought. There are six left, three boys, three girls. The boys let themselves down last week ( and worst of all, they let me down ), so let's knock them on the head. Which means it's between Kristina, Katie and Naomi. Kristina's the best for spotting what's gone wrong with a task, but she isn't quite so hot as putting things right when they have gone wrong. Naomi pouts and is good if you want someone quiet and hard-working. But she isn't outstanding, is she? She hasn't done enough yet. Floating under the radar shouldn't win you the job.
And then there is Katie. Yes, I know she's become the big bad girlwoman, with her acidic tongue and pale blue eyes. But she knows how to work the guys, she knows how to drag victory from the jaws of defeat. You can't say Katie's has flown under the radar. More like she's bombed the radar system to smithereens, and sent the enemy a telegram saying "Take a look at me, big boy".
Katie is also a natural born leader. Fascinating fact time: she has been project manager twice, and won both times. Whereas the only time Naomi has managed she lost.
So, let's face it, folks, it's time for the weather girl to win.
While Liverpool were playing like a bunch of girls against AC Milan, Eclipse were playing like a bunch of girls against Stealth, who were a bunch of girls.
So it's farewell, Jadine! But really, this was the most one-sided game of the series. Eclipse were useless, two nil in arrears at half-time, a player down, and led by a captain who'd thrown away his arm-band. At the end of the day, Brian, quite frankly, any of them could have been shown the red card for a truly abysmal performance. As it was, it was Jadine who had to go. The ref didn't have much choice.
But really.... Tre was hopeless. Utterly hopeless. How he managed to be on the winning side seven times out of eight is one of the great mysteries. It did all go wrong from the off, with Jadine hardly showing up. If she'd been in on it from the beginning, maybe he'd have realised that Simon's internet surfing ( for two and a half hours! ) had got him a whole set of long dead links. This guy calls himself an internet entrepreneur?! Hummmm. Still, he survived. Indeed, he still maintains his record of never having been called the boardroom.
But Lohit did get called and, just like last time, it was only to save a friend of the team leader. Not that Lohit was outstandingly good or anything, but he just didn't make the glaring mistakes Simon had.
Jadine or Tre? I really couldn't tell who was going right through the boardroom scene. Nip and tuck, and it could have gone either way. But it had to be Jadine, really. There are another three weeks and if she's wobbling now about her daughter what chance has she of staying the course? If she'd defended herself on the grounds that it was a one-off and it wouldn't happen again then maybe she'd have argued herself out of it. But she barely even tried.
At least it dealt Tre some much needed humility.
"If you tell people you're great enough, eventually you become great, and people believe it, and that's the philosophy that I follow".
I wonder how he'll be when he finally gets to meet Adrian.
But what about the girls? Brilliant. All of them. Could we have three girls in the final? I wouldn't bet against it. Suddenly my opinion of Kristina and the dreaded Katie has sky-rocketed. And Naomi lurks there like a shark, ready to pounce. They were just so much more professional than the boys.
BTW: It was nice to see the Cutty Sark again. Hope it doesn't take as long to rebuild as the new Wembley.
Just as we were all recovering from the news that Donald Trump has left the American version, and that the whole show might be jettisoned, along came the story that Sir Alan has signed up for two more series. And then came the news that Richard Farleigh ( the nice one with the flashy ties and Australian accent ) has been dropped from the Dragons' Den - presumably for being too nice.
Which got me thinking: how important is Sir Alan? That is, if the story had been that Farleigh had been signed up to replace him, would it really make any difference?
For example, every year there is a huge clamour to get rid of Davina from Big Brother. There then comes back the roar that Davina IS Big Brother.
On The X Factor, they don't seem to have this problem. Indeed, quite the opposite. Katie Thornton has been replaced by Dermot O'Leary, as presenter. I bet Dermot can hardly believe his luck. It's a bit of a non-job, frankly, and Katie must be mystified as to what she was doing wrong.
The view seems to be that some shows need constant change to keep them entertaining, whereas others need to stay the same because they've got a winning formula. In my view, both are wrong. But hey, it keeps TV producers busy, anyway.
The hunting of Ghazal. Recapped.
Here's another fascinating fact: Simon has never been in the boardroom. Does that mean he should be the favourite? Perhaps. So far, I'd say he's the best of a bad bunch. But he's a bit of a toff, and Sir Alan doesn't seem to like toffs much. He likes barrow boys.
So who else can win this? Katie? Too scheming. Kristina? Too negative. She's good at spotting what's gone wrong, but not so hot at putting things right. Jadine? Still too temperamental, though she is improving. Naomi? Possibly. At least she'd listen to the man, rather than throw a strop whenever things go wrong.
Lohit must be in with a chance, though he seems a bit pedestrian to me. And Tre? A bit like, Jadine, I wonder if he'd stick around. Would Sir Alan want to hire someone who might well drift off after a month for a job in television? I wouldn't have thought so. Mind you Ghazal reckons he's the one.
I was wrong. Simon and Lohit were on the same side, but Jadine was the leader. Not that she actually showed much leadership, but in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king, and the girlie team were as blind as bats so it's Goodbye Ghazal.
She can moan all she likes now about Katie and Kristina, but they were on her team, and she was supposed to lead them, not be led.
Was Sir Alan too tough on her? Aesthetically, she had the better of the two ads, but like he said it could have been an ad for anything. Trainers? Milk. Jam? Who could tell?
It all went wrong pretty early, though, first with the vacuous "Image is Everything" slogan. Changing it to "Music is Everything" at the last minute made it worse. If you're going to change something at the last minute, it had better be better.
And what was that JAM thing about, anyway? I won't draw you the logo, but you saw it, and you were thinking the same, weren't you? How could you make three letters unreadable? At least STREET was STREET.
But that was the best part of the Jadine crew - you could actually read their logo, and you knew it was a shoe. Otherwise, hiring a team of actors who can't dance, and then promising to give away ten percent of the price was halfway to the bankrupty court. And watching Simon dance is something that might traumatise me to my dying day. Still, at least he tried, unlike sulky Tre. And they were up against Ghazal's team, so it didn't really matter.
Mind you, I'm still loving Katie's work. She's got a tremendous technique for survival. Whoever's team she's on, she just decides to suck up to the leader. Even if they lose, the chances are she won't get called to the boardroom. This week she did, but it was bound to be the Ghazal who got slaughtered. Everything was her fault, and she just ignored the other two.
So it's farewell and so long to Ghazal. For one brief moment, I thought she had a chance. The rest of the time I found myself cringing. If you want to send her a letter of condolence - or slag her off - then here's the place.
While America tries to get over the news that the last series of The Apprentice may indeed by the last series ever, we in the UK are preoccupied with more immediate worries: like, who's going tonight? Does this story cast any light?
I don't think so. Simon is leader, and Lohit's on his side. That's all. Seeing as these two are in my favoured final four, I don't think it will be either of them. But that's assuming Simon's team wins.
Meanwhile, here are a couple of clips to browse. First up, Jon Culshaw doing his Sir Alan Sugar impression. Sad to say, even though it isn't very good, it's still one of his best.
And here's a recap of Katie's ousting of Adam. You've got to hand it to her, she does a mean line in invective.
I see there's a bit of a row brewing about product placement on the show.
Of course there are guidelines which must be kept to. But it's a bit of a tricky one. On the one hand, the whole show is product placement. Not just for Sir Alan Sugar, but for the cast. As indeed, is most television, one way or another. And on the other hand, sometimes it backfires. Remember Makro, the wholesalers who got a lot of stick for their cheese in the French episode? They had to issue a press release bigging up their cheese, and justifying themselves in the light of the mockery they'd be subjected to. But did they really suffer? Did they lose any business? Or is all publicity good publicity?
This business of wanting to appear on the show also affects the way it's run. I bet if I wandered into a chemists, took a look at five pounds worth of hair gel and told them I'd buy it for four quid tops, I'd get short shrift. But if I had a camera crew following me, and there was the exciting prospect of getting some free publicity if the shop went along with it, maybe I'd get more generous treatment.
Indeed, it's rather difficult to imagine how the show could work without it. The whole thing is a fantasy for people who reckon they could do it if they just had the time. Glamorising the champagne lifestyle is part and parcel of that.
Curiously, channels that run commercials always seem to have stricter rules on this. On "Big Brother", for example, you will notice that all the bottles of alcohol have the firm's name coated over in white paper. The housemates aren't allowed to wear clothes with logos on them, either.
As pointed out by eagle-eyed commenter Steven, Andy Jackson does indeed have a website. And it's a corker. His passions are "winning, winning, winning", and he intends to "work till we bleed".
It's quite revealing as to what life is like in the helter skelter cut-throat world that is the modern media. Thus, in the two days following his departure from the programme he did something like thirty or more press interviews. Less than a week later, the only date in his schedule was a night playing poker with Teddy Sheringham.
How the mighty crumble!
Still, he was the first out. If you make the final two, then the world is your oyster. If you come second you might get yourself your own tv show a la Badger or Bust ( which, for all you Freeview only viewers, you can catch on Sunday night at 8 pm on Sky Three ). Or, if you come first, you can publish your autobiography.
I wonder which of our current contestants will still be remembered this time next year.
Go on. Aren't you getting sick of seeing this clip?
I raise this because the show has been coming in for a fair amount of criticism lately. Too many repeats at the beginning, and way too much of the boardroom at the end. I guess the producers' defence is that they can only work with the footage they get, and if Katie blows a gasket in the boardroom they'd be fools not to show it.
But as for the beginning: do we really need to see Sir Alan saying "this is no gameshow" every week? Is it that convincing? And Tre dissing Rory? Is that really a highlight? Couldn't they change it around a little? As it is, we get the same six minutes every week.
Just as well someone invented the fast forward button.
So who's been having a go? Well shagmeister Adam's saying too many of them - indeed all of them except him - are only on the show to gain publicity for themselves, instead of actually wanting to be Sir Alan's apprentice. He specifically names Katie, which is kind of interesting, as it looks to me like the only job she'll get after all this is in the self-employed department. Would you want to work with her?
He's got a point, of course, but it's a point that's made all the time about reality tv. It's inevitable. If there are sixteen contestants, and only one can win, then why not publicise yourself? The odds make sense.
But the credits again. Tim Campbell doesn't mention them. In fact, he's happy as larry with things so far. But James Max, who came third in Tim's year, has a go. And he didn't like the task. There's no pleasing some people.
Anyway, he isn't the only one who dislikes the credits. Here's a remix, with the American theme music and slimmed down visuals. And it only lasts one minute thirteen seconds. What's not to like?
These are Nigella seeds, Adam.
And this is astroturf.
There's a difference.
My heart sank when Adam and Katie were on the same side. I wanted them to be fighting against each other.
But they were anyway, and when it came to the boardroom, the gloves were off. Katie at last let rip. Yes, I know she lets rip every week, but at least she did it to his face, rather than her usual time-honoured strategy of sweet-talking them up close and personal, then delivering her carefully honed daggers to the tv interviewer.
"I would like to be the person who secures Adam's exit from this, and secures his route back to The North and his Northern Chums, where I do feel he rather belongs."
Clearly, she went to charm school. It's just as well this isn't going to a popular vote a la Celebrity Big Brother. This would knock the Jade/Shilpa controversy into a cocked hat. We'd be watching news footage of Gordon Brown being asked to comment, and Katie would be going on a penitent tour of Blackburn to acquaint herself for some real, authentic Northern people.
Still, I'm afraid Adam had to go. Once he'd blown the Nigella seed issue he had to, and the idea that Katie was a bit low because Paul had gone was ridiculous. I don't think she even noticed.
And how hard is it to find out what these wretched seeds are, anyway? And how hard is it to read the rules? 97 p was all that separated the two teams. All he had to do was let the girls go to the Outer Hebrides - sorry, Stansted - come back late with the seeds, and Adam would have been the winner.
As it is he's history. He thinks it's cos Katie fancied him. A likely story, eh?
As to the rest: my current fave Ghazal was, I'm embarrassed to admit, bordering on the useless. Kristina was good. Simon is shaping up well, and Tre and Jadine seem to have knuckled down a bitl. I also think I may have to reappraise Naomi. She too is starting to pull it together. It could get pretty tricky towards the end.
BTW: Isn't Jon Culshaw a terrible impressionist?
I expect you've been wondering what happened to all the rejects thus far. Or then again, perhaps you haven't. Anyway, this is what a couple of the girls are up to. Sophie, for example, claims to have a blog, though so far as I can tell only one of the posts are actually written by her. One of them is even written by my current fave Ghazal.
Natalie June Tryphina Wood also has a website which, IMNSHO, is rather better.
Andy, so far as I can tell, has disappeared from view. You can, however, relive his exit, here.
Well well well. There are going to be four finalists this year instead of the usual two.
That explains something that had been bugging me a while. There are six weeks left, but nine candidates. How were they going to narrow it down? Here's the answer.
"We’ve not really decided how the final will work yet". Claims Sir Alan. “But there are four in the frame at the moment".
Interesting. But will the final four include at least one joker? That is, I rather expect either Jadine or Tre to make the final four without actually being in with a chance of winning the whole thing, simply because they are such good television. In the last two episodes Tre has been given a lot more coverage than Jadine. That could either be because he is heading for the door pretty soon, and therefore it's a case of making hay while the sun shines. Or because the show's producers are simply bigging up the guy who's getting all the coverage. Or, I suppose, because Jadine really hasn't done anything lately.
So who will the four be? I suspect Kristina will come a cropper sooner or later. Although she often gets things right, she's also a bit too stroppy. Katie will be gone very soon, I think. She just doesn't cut it. Adam too, will end up back in the boardroom, and Sir Alan will feel he's given him enough chances. The same sort of goes for Naomi. A bit too mouthy with not quite enough to back it up.
But who to choose betwee Tre and Jadine? It's got to be Tre. He's bound to mess up. He'll be team leader and make a whole series of mistakes, I imagine.
At any rate, here's my guess at the final four: Ghazal, Lohit, Jadine, and Simon.
I could be, and given my track record, am almost certainly, wrong.
She's finished, isn't she? Tim Campbell reckons she'll be next, her erstwhile lover Paul wonders if half her one-liners are scripted, and commenter johnnyh predicts she'll be team leading against her hated enemy Adam next week.
I think all of them are right. So far, for all her talk, she hasn't done anything that would make anyone hire her. Indeed it's only her badmouthing of others that has made her stick out from the crowd, and why she thinks her prepared putdowns will endear her to us is a mystery. Just because she hates Adam doesn't mean we do too.
Putting her up against him next week would be perfect television. And very revealing too. Is there anything else to her? Is Adam as sluggish as the others seem to think? We need to know.
Paul's interview is worth a read too. Frankly, I think it's fair to say he came across as a bit of a plonker on Wednesday night. Far too defensive, and way too loyal to Katie. In the interview he's a lot shrewder, and more charitable about the others. Interesting who he thinks will win. I won't say - read it yourself.
Who do I think is going to win? If I were a betting man, I think it would be Ghazal. Lohit is the obvious favourite so far, but she's the dark horse, outsider type, one with the good odds. Why back a favourite? And she's the youngest, which would surely be a factor if it were purely a matter of whom you would employ.
She'll probably be out next week.
Poor old Katie. Love's path never does run smooth, does it? I can see where she's coming from. If I were in there I think I too would always start an affair with the team leader. ( Maybe that's why Simon climbed into bed with Lohit. ) So when Paul lost he did the gentlemanly thing - or the twittish one, really - and thereby sealed his own fate.
Clever Katie, but poor Katie too.
But Paul should have seen it coming. Sir Alan was never going to consign either Adam or Kristina to a date with Mr. Chiles. Kristina may be a bit grumpy, but who wouldn't be with that leader, and Adam's main fault was his lack of enthusiasm and spending eighty quid on a poster. But getting cheapo cheese was Paul's idea, and so was the sausages. For that alone he deserved his cards. Here after all is a man who, in all probability has strangled Al Queda operatives with his bare hands. And eaten them too, most likely. Yet he'd never used a cooker before.
Maybe they taste like sushi.
Paul was a little bit defensive too, wasn't he? And when he finally did indeed get to meet Adrian, he didn't exactly calm down. Here is a man who would interrupt his own monologue. Does he ever stop to listen?
So, another one bites the dust. About time it was a boy - indeed, I predicted last week it would be him or Simon. And Simon seems to have a few wits about him. I imagine he''ll be there a bit longer yet.
The key post-show questions, however, revolve once again around Katie. How is she going to survive without her "mature" boyfriend? Or ex-boyfriend, it says here ( and does she know? )
On the post-game show everyone ( except Paul, bless him ) had it in for her, but I feel buckets of sympathy for Katie right now. How is she is going to cope with Adam still in there? Indeed, how is everyone going to cope with him? The silence when he returned you could cut with a knife. Or a piece of black pudding.
You don't have to be a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist to figure out that Katie might be gone tonight. Just a humble NotW reader ( though you could be all three, of course ).
Anyway, I've mentioned it before but here is some proof, perhaps for the last time, that she is indeed a Jo Brand soundalike. Close your eyes, click on this, and see what I mean.
It's a rubbish clip, but the point still stands.
It says here that the roly-poly comedienne Ms Brand was born in the coastal backwater town of Hastings, whereas Katie comes from fun-filled Exeter. So maybe their accent is genetic. Maybe they're twin sisters who were swapped at birth.
Not something that happens every day, but Ruth has Tre in her sights.
Maybe she's just drumming up publicity for her new show. Sounds like they're trying to turn her into this gentleman.
Mind you, she is right. Where is the teamwork? Where is the leadership? Tim Campbell might be in on it, but frankly, as this stage, I have absolutely no idea who wins this thing. But that's part of the fun, no?
Or so says this dude, as it sends out the wrong message.
I don't think he's right. In fact it sends out the right message. Anyone who talks business-speak like they still live in the eighties:
"Sexy end of the market", "I'll sleep when I'm dead", "We'll work till we bleed" ,"I'll give it 110%, Sir Alan"
Inevitably gets kicked out early. It's the quiet, trustworthy ones who just get on with it who always go on to win.
Like Our Tim, for example, who here reveals that he knows who's already won this.
So the whole series has already been shot? How come nobody told me? And where is everyone? Living in a cave?
A day after telling Adrian Chiles that she doesn't think she should have gone, Natalie has changed her mind and, rather generously, sticks up for Katie.
Tim Campbell, on the other hand, goes with the prevailing opinion. If she'd chosen Katie, not Lohit, to go into the boardroom with her, she could still be in the game.
Still, it's history now. But what about the future? I'm guessing that Tre, Jadine, Katie, and Adam are being kept for the finish. They've had a lot of coverage so far, so I'd be surprised if Sir Alan got rid of them.
By contrast, we've hardly seen that much of Paul or Simon. So isn't it time for another boy to go? Of course, they've got to be on the losing side first.
Best episode so far.
Poor Natalie Wood. Still, at least she didn’t end up at the bottom of Davey Jones locker like the last one.
Of course, she was up against it the moment Eclipse failed to get the Horse Man onside. Lips Lady was always going to be a tough sell in my book.
But losing's one thing, picking the wrong people to go into the den with you is something else. Lohit made one minor mistake which even she couldn't justify complaining about. Whereas if Jo Brand soundalike Katie had been there instead she might have survived. Because, for all her gushing "it's frightfully lovely" talk, Katie didn't sell anything. And she's a back-stabber. And we don't like back-stabbers.
Unless he's called Tre.
“Limited intelligence has a way of flapping its mouth, unfortunately”.
Classy.
Still, he's not just a mouthy drama queen. Indeed, far from the lethal, sell-his-own-grandmother image he's been carefully crafting the last month or so, our Tre revealed a hitherto unseen moralistic streak, as he took a dislike to some of the photos, and was only prepared to promote "the non-titty ones".
He's one third Gordon Gekko, one third Ali G, and one third Mary Whitehouse. He could go all the way.
One good thing about Lohit being in the den though, was that he did get a bit excitable when he got picked on. Good to see him defend himself for once, instead of just quietly getting on with things. As for the rest: well there are a lot of sleepers, aren't there? Like Paul, for example. He just keeps dodging the radar. Only ten left, now, so I dare say his moment will come.
Same with Jadine, I guess. Either she's taken a vow of silence, or they're keeping her for next week.
The final of the American version went out at the weekend and the winner is...
Well, I won't spoil it, in case you want to catch it when BBC2 get to show it later in the year. But, here's a clue: you can see him/her in this piece of homevideo, which is interesting if only to show how much we don't get to see, even though it's pretty neatly put together. The clip also features Ivanka Trump, Donald's daughter.
An American contestant has decided to pose nude for Playboy. It's a message of support for all cancer victims, apparently.
Hey, I believe her! I wonder which British competitors will follow suit? Naughty Naomi, maybe? Or what about Kristina? So long as it isn't Tre.
Every week I've been linking to Tim Campbell's thoughts on the show, and here's his latest on Sophie's eviction.
"It was one hour of pure lies, backstabbing and no-holds barred entertainment".
I think we can assume he enjoyed it, then.
And if you're missing seeing him, then here's some footage of him at some business do or other from a week or so ago. You'll have to wait for a minute, as some shiny-suited politician whose name escapes me babbles on, but trust me, he's there waiting his turn.
Talking of music, well the theme tune is a bit... obvious isn't it? Or at least old hat. Not that I don't like it - as a piece of music - but I can remember at least two tv series that used it. The BBC's chess coverage in the eighties for a start, and at least one series of American Football on Channel 4.
Apparently it was also used for "Caligula", the dreadful movie that featured Helen Mirren and John Gielgud. ( That says it all, actually, about how bad that film was. )
Sunderland FC also use it at the start when the lads run onto the pitch, and again at half-time. Doesn't seemed to have worked very well for them, either.
Here though is one of the best uses of it, that actually exploits the Romeo and Juliet theme. A French scent ad from a while back:
By contrast, here is positively the most hideous abuse of the tune. It's three minutes 55 seconds in:
It's by German death metal band Necrophagist. For light relief, her's a polyphonic ring tone version.
It was a bit like last week, wasn't it? Sophie was quietly doing okay in the boardroom when Alan asks her a question, and she bottles it. Last week Gerri admitted she was a slow starter. This week, Sophie said she didn't like sales.
Not a clever move from a wannabe businesswoman.
And there was only £10.51 in it. Close shave for Ghazal and co.
Still, at least we saw the teams showing a bit of cooperation for once. And leadership too. Ghazal was a bit of a gazelle in the zoo, I thought, though a little pleased with herself. And Adam - at least he proves he can speaks. He was pretty lucky to get away with being in a lion suit for four hours, though. Natalie was also very lucky with her brainwave to use Natural instead of Tiger on the labelling.
But what about Tre and Jadine? Did they really take a vow of silence, or was it all in the editing? Mind you, Tre did give us at least one great line. "I'm targetting fat people". I could warm to him yet.
Interesting that the panellists afterwards - including Sophie - thought that Lohit is the one to watch. Well he certainly isn't the one to listen to. Barely said a word so far.
Still, as I say every week ( and I'll probably say it just before the final ) it's early days.
BTW. Wasn't it nice to hear Brian Eno's "Golden Hours" and Lou Reed's "Street Hassle" again? I think I've got both of those lurking in my collection. One on cassette, the other an LP. I may have to dust them off again.
Of course it's very early days, but Gerri thinks it may be Jadine. I'd be surprised.
Meanwhile, if you're wondering how that Comic Relief task ended, here's the boardroom scene.
Always nice to see Piers Morgan getting a kicking, isn't it?
So it wasn’t just me then. Like Tim Campbell, I too thought this week’s episode was a bit of a snoozefest, until the boardroom scene when it suddenly livened up. Of course, you can’t have fireworks every week, but the lack of teamwork was still a bit surprising.
And Gerri is still feeling hard done by. Apparently, she was "badly edited". Now where have I heard that one before?
Still to wake us all up, here's some footage from the recent Comic Relief version. This is worth watching just to see arch luvvie Rupert Everett claiming to be shy. Yeah, right.
They've all seen the show before, so they know what to do. But does it have to be so obvious? Eclipse make sure it's Tre who gets to lead them, and Stealthy Naomi picks Gerri to do the locations. Why? Because Tre is a loudmouth and Gerri isn't any good at locations. I'd do the same, of course.
But Gerri completely blew it. All she had to do when Sir Alan asked her who should stay was to tell him. It didn't matter who, just name one of the others and that would have ended it. But Gerri hesitated, Sir Alan sniffed blood and changed the question. Why should you stay?
"I'm a slow starter".
Wrong answer! So now she's been relocated.
Still, this early on, none of them look like winners. Indeed, they're all just ferrets in a sack, trying to get someone else to carry the can. Tre and Jadine are still good entertainment but they won't last, and neither will Naomi. If it wasn't this week, it could be next.
Things will calm down I imagine once they start to get rid of the roughnecks, but at the moment we are not exactly seeing astitute business people. I wouldn't pay any of them a hundred grand to do anything other than manage my paperclips.
And, sadly, I don't have that kind of money. Or that many paperclips.
So, two weeks in, and we've already lost three of the chaps. How unlike Big Brother, when it's always the girls who go first.
Rory the Tory isn't going quietly either, telling us and The Sun that maybe he'll be back, and that he doesn't like Tre.
Well, who does?
And if you want more from Rory and his fellow evictee Ifti, here's even more.
Meanwhile, as ever, former winner Tim Campbell shares his thoughts, even wishing that we had updates every day. Some people just can't get enough, can they?
Maybe he'll enjoy it tonight. Surely it's time to get rid of one of the girls now? But which one? Spoilt for choice, aren't we? Just so long as we keep my especial fave Jadine. Best value of the lot so far, in my book.
Rory and Ifti have bitten the dust.
Rory deserved it for being a bit of a twit... but how will the show do without its top toff totty?
Ifti made the classic reality TV show error. He was too nice.
We've been chatting to both of Alan's latest firings and will be putting up our exclusive video interviews with the pair on Sunday.
They're both, obviously, scathing about panto-villain Tre. But there's also a cracking twist... so watch this space!
Andy gave up his job to go on this show, and was first to be kicked off. Clearly, the man is a glutton for punishment, as he now claims he wants to start a new career as a poker player. Still, you've got to commend his enthusiasm.
More intriguing, in the post-show fallout, are Tim Campbell's views. Tim, the competition's first winner from two years ago, has a regular column in Thursday's Sun, revealing his thoughts. What I found most interesting was his reaction to Jadine - he likes her. Me too, as did the Badger. But Adrian Chiles and the rest of the panel were pretty sceptical. Adrian even said he found it hard to like anything about her.
Why? She won, it can't have been easy dealing with a group of boys who thought they'd chosen to be led by a bloke, and she had Tre to deal with.
Of course it's early days, but she's my early favourite. Still, anything can happen.
Said Sir Alan. No, it was a stitch-up. You could tell it was going to be Andy from the off. Far too mouthy and keen, and his male colleagues on Team Certus put him up to it. Leaders never win. He was like a pace-setter in the Grand National.
"Stepping up to the plate is a poisoned chalice", he told Adrian Chiles afterwards. Indeed. It's also a mixed metaphor.
Still, I thought the Badger was onto something. Quantum physicist Sophie got the maths wrong horribly. He wanted 20 litres of milk. She ordered 200. I wouldn't want her playing with my Bunsen burner. Really, she should have gone first, but he'd have gone soon enough. If not this week, then next. He was far too nice.
Mind you, Andy's maths isn't so hot, either. "I will give you a 110%" he pleaded with Sir Alan. There's no such thing, Andy. And isn't that what Freddie Flintoff said last week, after the pedalo incident? He was fired too.
Oh well. At least he's got no regrets.
Love it!
You know the old interview technique in which nervous applicants are told to imagine the boss with no clothes on? Who needs it?
And let's remember what grouchy ol' Al is famous for anyway.
It was this:
Which was NEVER as cool as this:
Yes, here we are again. The Apprentice has moved to BBC1, and already gathered more column inches than the current series of Castaway. And it hasn't even begun yet.
Here's one story about Rory.
Here's another about Jadine.
Here's one about Katie.
Here's a recap of past competitors. Where are they now?
And here's an interview with the boss man himself, Alan Sugar.
Let the games begin!
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