Marco Versus Gordon

A bit like "Alien Versus Predator", except that this battle is more competitive.

Of course, the real winner of Hell's Kitchen isn't Barry, or Adele. It's Marco Pierre White. He's the one whose career will change the most. He's got a restaurant opening in two weeks' time, and he's got a typically outspoken interview in today's Sun.

Chief victim of his wrath is Jamie Oliver, who made two mistakes: criticising him, and letting Marco hear it. The other famous chef he's fallen out with, of course, is Gordon Ramsay, his predecessor on "Hell's Kitchen", whom he once made cry.

They also once made a tv show together, called Boiling Point, which went out in 1999. Here's a clip of the two of them, fishing. Gordon's less craggy-faced, and MPW doesn't even have long hair.

If you've got the time, there's also this forty-eight minute interview he did in May this year. He barely starts speaking until three and a half minutes in, but, if you make it to the five minute marker, you'll hear him come out with his classic "Mother Nature is a true artist" line. So it's got to be worth watching.

Lady and the Champ

Barry came through his toughest fight with the gold, leaving Adele as the Silva medallist.

I’m not sure the final warranted ninety minutes. At least half was a golden oldies show, with yet more footage, in case we missed, it, of Jim and Brian falling out, Barry burning his hand, and Anneka staring like a rabbit in the headlights with a fish in her hand. If I’ve seen that once…

Still, it was nice to see some old faces. No, not Piers Morgan again ( doesn’t that guy have a job to go to? ) but former contestants like Rosie and Kelly. It seems like years since I last saw them, though it’s barely a week. And we all like watching Nick tumbling and spilling food all over the place, don't we?

There was a mystery about the non-appearance of certain celebrities, though. Lee and Jim I could understand not being there, having broken the golden rule of reality tv by being kicked out, but there was no Anneka either. I know she hated it, but I’d have thought she could have managed one solitary night. Yet they allowed her to eat in the restaurant.

I quite liked the idea of doing the interviews before the result, not after. They didn’t say anything they wouldn’t have said later, and probably said it in a more coherent way.

Not that it matters. Who wins, who loses, it really is only a gameshow. I do wonder how many people actually bother to vote. Whatever it is, they certainly don’t tell us. The numbers, the percentages, nothing. But it’s not like they win any money for doing so, or end up with their own restaurant. So, what’s the difference? Nonetheless, I felt sorry for Adele in the end. The cut away shot to Marco and the others in the kitchen moments after the announcement told us that they thought the wrong person had won. She was the one who had grown the most, and had really given herself to the whole task.

Still, we weren’t judging on cooking skills, were we?

Ca Marche

So here we go. Barry versus Adele. The boxer versus the actress.

There can be only one winner. But who? I must say I've been a Barry fan these past few days. He seems such a nice chap. And there is nothing annoying about him. All right, that bit where he punches the air like a boxer ( like a boxer? He was a boxer ) each time he got saved started to become a bit irritating, and if he wins tonight we're bound to see even more of it. But still, I like the cut of his jib. And his jab.

Whereas the lovely, doe-eyed thespian Adele can be a little bit pleased with herself. I especially find her little straight to camera pieces slightly grating.

Don't get me wrong. She's a nice, sweet little creature. But when she goes into the diary room/bush telegraph/soap box/whatever they call it and starts spouting, over-emphasising every syllable, and acting all astonished at clever little Adele still being there - imagine! - I find that a remarkably convenient time to switch over to ITV4 to check up on how Tonga are doing in the rugby.

Still, I kind of fancy her chances. Northern soap starlet beats nice guy bloke in final. We saw it three years ago when Jennifer Ellison beat James Dreyfus. Who's to say it won't happen again?

Still, she's a talented lassie, and it's a very close call. You can't take away her commitment to cooking, or her ambition. And she can sing. Take a look at her on Stars in their Eyes, when she took on the role of pint-size pop princess Kylie. Is there anything this girl can't do?

Love of the Common People

So farewell, Paul and Brian.
Paul took it well. Well, as much as you could tell. The guy was so deadpan he’d probably have reacted just the same if he’d won.
Brian also took it well. First in Big Brother, third in Hell’s Kitchen. Not a bad record. He was singing Adele’s praises at the end, saying she should win. Which was exactly what Marco had said earlier.
Do I see a bandwagon rolling down the freeway? I was quite impressed that he was so outspoken, really. Can’t be easy looking Barry in the eye after saying all that. Usually reality tv people start spouting about "they're all winners". Here's someone bucking that trend.
Of the four, though, I think we got the right result. Both of them have really got into it all. Paul was just too laid back, and Brian too histrionic. Adele and Barry have really focussed on the cooking.
Anyway, no more evictions, just one winner. And two and a half hours left. Don’t quite see how they’re going to keep this kitchen going for that long, let alone serve 76 meals per night. But it isn’t too long before we find out how.
And for all you pop fans who grew up with our Paulie, here he is when he had dark hair, and a voice that could kill at a hundred paces.

Double Eviction?

Unless I am very much mistaken - and I usually am - there are going to be two sackings tonight. It doesn't make much sense. We've still got programmes tomorrow and Monday, and there are only four of them in there, but Angus said it twice, so it must be true.
Who's going? I imagine they want Barry and Adele - as boy and girl - in for the final. But these things are often out of their hands, and depend largely on who provides good highlights, and, of course, who the public take to. I guess people will want Paul to stay because they remember his records, and people like will want Brian to stay because they liked him on Big Brother.
We shall see. Whether we care, that's another matter. I hate to admit it, but this series hasn't quite worked for me. Last night we saw Abi Titmuss eating in the restaurant, and Paul admitted he'd seen her do outrageous things on the internet. I don't suppose it's this tape, but it does show more humour and fun than we've seen all this season. Reality tv is at its best when the contestants drop the competitive mode for a while, and actually start liking each other and having fun. Arguments and rowing and personality clashes only take you so far, and too much of them can ruin the show. Anyone who's watched the last two years of Big Brother will know what I mean.
In this clip James Dreyfus was having fun, and everyone else was letting him and joining in.
I don't think it's just because Gordon is more affable and relaxed than MPW, or that James was a funnier guy than everyone else. But something's been lacking.

Breasts to Die For

In 1986 she was the Rear of the Year. Twenty one years later, she's finally gone and made an arse of herself.

The contrast could hardly be more telling. Tearful and bleary-eyed, Abbey left the kitchen gutted to have gone. Anneka, on the other hand, could hardly be more excited. I don't think I've ever seen someone so relieved to be kicked off a reality show before. Loads of them say they're delighted to go, and we've all seen them plead with the public, John McCririck-style, that they want people to vote them off.
But when it's Vote to Save, that's easier said than done.
Anneka, however, finally got her wish.
Yet there's more that links the two blonde stunners that you might think.
“I’ve never done a day’s work like that in my life", claimed the lovely WAG. And Anneka agreed: "Quite the most terrifyingly ghastly ordeal I think anyone could ever go through".
Now if I were Angus, I think I might have picked her up on that last remark. But I'm not.

Still, I'm pleased for her. Getting ticked off by Matt the whole time can't have been easy. Look at Lee. There he was, a week after being evicted by Marco, and he was sitting there, smooth as you like. I don't suppose Jim will get invited back any time soon, but I bet he'd be a calmer fellow if he were.

Maybe it really is a hell's kitchen. Anyway, here's Anneka, in happier days.

Taking Stock

Abbey's gone! Was she punished for mistaking chicken stock for butter? Hardly - Marco didn't even notice. Indeed, he complimented her for her it. Was it because a sympathetic public wanted to reunite her with her beloved Peter Crouch, glowing in his small but significant part in our victory over the Russkies? I doubt it. No, Abby got sacked because she hardly featured in the highlights.
She was the one I wanted to win, too. But the same happened to Kelly, and Rosie before her. I'd have put my mortgage on Anneka going, but then, for just about the first time in the series, she started to feature in the highlights. And Abbey barely got a look-in.
Oh well. The poor tearful girl. Did she really want to win? Did it really matter to her? She does have a history of getting all emotional in these things - check out her reaction to coming second in Britain's Next Top Model.

Does a determined, ambitious heart throb underneath her sweet-natured breasts? Which of us can say?

And another eviction - or sacking - tonight. There are only five left, and I'd have thought Barry is the out and out favourite. But who goes - I'd say it was too close to call.

"Don't Fail to Miss It"

At the end of last night's show Angus tried to get all excited about tonight's show, and ended with this unlikely warning: "Don't Fail to Miss It". Well, I dare say quite a few people will try. Quite a few will make sure they'll be missing it by watching England take on the Russkies in the Euro2008 qualifier at Wembley. I dare say even the lovely Abbey will try and keep up with things, being as her beanpole boyfriend will be involved.

I don't suppose Marco will allow a tv in the kitchen, but presumably, what with modern technology and all, somebody somewhere will either have a radio or a mobile phone, and should the lanky centre forward score a last minute winner Abbey will be the first - other than those actually watching - to know.

It might make interesting viewing.

Anyway, Jim's gone, and with him, quite a sizeable chunk of the drama. Dare I say it, and I don't suppose this is an analogy the cockney comic would himself enjoy, but he reminded me a bit of Big Brother's Charley. Mouthy, opinionated, and offensive, Charley was nonetheless, the star of the show, and without her the programme did go into freefall. Anneka can twitter all she likes about how things are calmer in there now he's gone. Maybe for them. But what about us viewers?

It's too calm. It needs livening up. Will an eviction increase the tension? I doubt it. Still, there's one tonight, and I reckon it will probably be Anneka herself. And by my calculations she'll go just as the game ends. Two results in one night. Can't be bad.

Anyway, here's footage of the lovely Abbey working hard. Some people envy her, but I don't think it can be that easy, being pampered on the Californian beach all day, and having your photograph taken.

Jim Davidson - You Have Been Evicted

No eviction last night as someone had already left in the morning - Jim Davidson himself. I said he should have left when he got himself all suited up. But now it looks like he's been pushed.

Lee was pushed, but he was pushed by Marco. Jim's been pushed by "ITV chiefs", whoever they are. Twentysomething kids with clipboards, I imagine. Was he summonsed at three o'clock in the morning, Emily-style, with no underwear on, to receive his cards? Maybe more will become clear on tonight's show.

It seems that it was somewhat connected to ShirtlifterGate. I've got to say, I've tried to defend Jim over the last few days, but it's hard playing defence on this. The comment was so crass, and so deliberately provocative. Brian certainly went overboard in reacting, and was needlessly upset by the "Good As You" comment later in the evening. Likewise, telling Jim that he's outnumbered and is being taken over by the young does itself smell of ageism, does it not? As Jim was happy to respond, just because he's a minority doesn't mean he's wrong.

But Jim has this unpleasant habit of throwing some comment into the air, then playing the innocent. Either defending himself on free speech grounds ( no one's saying you doesn't have free speech, Jim, it's what you do with it that's the problem ), or saying that he's a minority - white, middle-aged bloke - so why isn't there anyone to protect him? The one thing he doesn't do is apologise immediately, and say, look I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

It doesn't work. That kind of behaviour isn't acceptable from, for example, a young black girl, and it isn't right coming from Jim Davidson. The thing is, he didn't have to behave like this.

It seems to me he had some kind of death wish. Maybe he feels humiliated actually doing the show, having to demean himself with a WAG and a Big Brother winner, maybe he gets paid off if he gets kicked out, whereas if he walks he gets nothing. Whatever it was, Jim Davidson played this one really badly.

It was a strange show. Once again, all the drama's been held back for tonight, and the way the highlights hit us we saw more of Kelly last night than we had in the three shows before she was evicted. Barry's coming across as a really nice, decent chap, meanwhile. Whereas Brian has, I suspect, fallen in the popularity charts. I don't think there's an eviction tonight. I could easily be wrong, though.

Don't Hate Her Because She's Beautiful

We didn't hate her. We just didn't vote for her. At least she got to speak on last night's episode, but it wasn't enough, and Kelly now joins Rosie, like those six steaks she burned, in the great rubbish bin in the kitchen.

Fascinating fact: she used to be married to Buddhist action man Steven Seagal, who played a cook in Under Siege. I wonder if he had to go undercover, Robert De Niro-style, to research the role. And if he did, whether he passed on his tips to his Missus. If so, they didn't help her win much support.

But then this isn't really a cookery programme, is it? You could burn every egg and leave the veal completely uncooked and still win this thing, and the teams are now being mixed up as well, which makes even more of a mess of the original idea.

It didn't do too much for Jim Davidson's constitution either, having to team up with the lovely Adele.

And there's another vote tonight. Now it's getting difficult. Seven left. I reckon Barry, Adele, Abbey and Brian must all be pretty popular. I'm sure even Jim Davidson has his fans as well. Not me, I'm afraid as I never quite "got" him. So, probably a choice between Paul Young and Anneka Rice.