Is it really what anyone wanted?

INTRIGUE at the THE X FACTOR as one issue dominated the gossip backstage.

Simon Cowell's Tango tan: did he have it done to highlight the teeth or calm them down a bit?

Don't ask me. I'm still trying to work out why they gunged last night's opener with a sick-bucket load of sob stories.

Plus reels of clumsy, staged nonsense about Louis Walsh's rehiring which boasted more ham than a Tesco deli counter. Sorry, but I was kinda hoping for an hour of beer-spitting auditions to blow away a summer's worth of duff telly.

What did we get? An ageing cleaner who, although flatter than Antony Cotton, was hardly a Pick-a-Chick showstopper. An old woman doing violin impressions with her nose (er, the Britain's Got Talent auditions are that way, luv).

Terrible

An even older woman with appalling teeth (Paul Potts beat you to it, pet). A brother and sister duo who apparently have music in their blood (yeah, and stage school stamped all over their foreheads).

Plus, a stroppy teenager who did a terrible impression of Christina Aguilera and an even worse one of Vicky Pollard, leaving me yearning for the days when people didn't enter this show just to get on telly.

Then we had The Xploitation Factor. The sob stories (bored now, Simon). One dead dad, one burst appendix, and a "last-chance" dinner lady who clearly only got through so they could get some shots of excited kiddies back at her school.

Not a great return, Mr Cowell. And if Show 2 isn't a "bring on the freaks" masterpiece, that cheesy thumbs-up you gave the car park disciples from your royal balcony might turn out to be a little premature.

But, hey, the potential is still there for a great series. 'Cos Louis Walsh is back. And wearing a new cardigan.

And you have to applaud the arrival of the fit Minogue sister. "A pop star who's been there and done it," was how our jerky new host Dermot O'Leary described Dannii. (Must have read our story about her lezzing off with lapdancers in a Soho strip joint.)

Already a challenger to Cowell for the "Miss X Factor T*ts & Teeth 2007" crown, Dannii also offered more sensible judgments in one show than Mrs Doubtfire's managed in three series.

But that's the future. Right now, I have this late plea to the big man:

My hamster died yesterday, Simon. (No, give me a minute, I'll be okay). And when mum cleared out his cage there was an X Factor application form lining the bottom. I think it's a sign. Am I too late to enter?

Please, Simon. It's what Fluffy would have wanted.

BB Query. If, as Liam says, the twins really are "like onions," any chance we can have them pickled in a jar the minute they come out?

Note: Name Change for the Circle Of Life in this week's spiritual task. Circle Of Pond Life, surely?