The Air I Breathe

IT'S been months since we've had a good old, honest-to-God depressing film.

But holy cow, The Air I Breathe more than makes up for lost time.

Because it's not just one misery-packed story we've got here, but four.

Speed Racer

SOME films you watch. Some films you savour.

Others you cower in the corner from, eyes wide and lips a-bibbling, as they're blasted down your optic nerve with the full force of a riot hose.

No prizes for guessing that Speed Racer falls squarely into the third category.

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What Happens in Vegas

 

CAMERON Diaz has, like, this total douchebag ex-boyfriend, OK?

And Ashton Kutcher, who's like this dreamy carpenter, loses his job because he's way cool and fun and stuff.

And they both go to Las Vegas to get over it, and then—OMG—they meet and get soooo drunk, and get married and then totally win $3 million on a slot machine.

Doomsday

IN Doomsday's vision of the future, the city of Glasgow is overrun by feral tribes of deranged, tattooed, beer-swilling maniacs.

Even as an Edinburgh boy, I'm leaving that one well alone.

The film opens with a killer virus decimating Scotland, and the military rebuilds Hadrian's Wall to contain the infected.

 

Where in the world is Osama Bin Laden?

NEWSFLASH courtesy of Super Size Me: Burgers make you fat.

And this just in from Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?: Er, nobody knows where he is. To which you can only say—no s***, Spurlock.

Yep, Morgan Spurlock's resumed his ongoing quest to state the blinkin' obvious and has been trying to discover where Bin Laden's bin hidin' on a grand tour of the Middle East.

Cashback

STRUGGLING artist Ben (Sean Biggerstaff, aka Oli Wood from Harry Potter) is ditched by girlfriend Suzy (Michelle Ryan) and takes a job at a local Sainsbury's to use up his free time.

 

Happily, a good 80 per cent of the shoppers are of the Page 3 Keeley variety—and he spends his shifts imagining them naked, so he can quickly "knock out a sketch" during his break (not heard that one before).

Iron Man

HERE he comes, roaring through the skies at Mach 3, knocking out more carbon emissions than a Bombay traffic jam.

It's Iron Man—aka the least environmentally friendly superhero on earth.

Heck, you can feel the ozone layer thinning out above your head as you watch this thing.

Nim's Island

NIM'S Island is perhaps the most impossible plot to explain of any film I've reviewed...ever.

And for a movie aimed at under-tens, that's not a good thing.

The poor sprogs in the screening looked as if they'd been ordered to solve Pi at gunpoint.

Made of Honour

REMEMBER My Best Friend's Wedding? The producers of Made Of Honour hope you don't—because they've just rattled out a rom-com with the same chuffing story.

Only difference is, they've swapped the male and female roles around.

Made Of Honour is about Tom (Patrick Dempsey), a guy who's trying to sabotage the wedding of his best friend/secret crush Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) while acting as her ‘maid' of honour.

Joy Division

Arriving so soon after the chilling Ian Curtis biopic Control, this documentary cannot help but fall into its grim shadow.

This is not helped by the contributions of a right bunch of 24 Hour Pratty People, who reckon some of the best music of the late 70s/early 80s can be slightly improved by jamming it through the pretentious twaddle filter.

People including Paul Morley: "Joy Division reorganised the landscape, the soundscape, the mindscape."

Deception

DECEPTION is supposedly an erotic thriller. Well, I've had more erotic thrills descaling the kettle. And no, that ain't a metaphor.

Ewan McGregor stars as an accountant whose fast-living lawyer buddy (Hugh Jackman) introduces him to a sex club for New York's business elite.

Three and Out

A MIXED bag, is British comedy Three And Out.

You do get Bond girl Gemma Arterton whapping out her ding-dangs.

And although that's one hell of a carrot, lads, bear in mind it happens while she's straddling Gareth from The Office.

 

Stop Loss

AT bleeding last. A half-decent Iraq movie.

Out goes the whiny moralising—in comes some glossy camerawork, a hip-hop soundtrack and some decent human drama.

Letting viewers make up their own minds about the moral questions is the smartest move of all.